Parents who fail to send their children back to school worrying about coronavirus infection face hefty fines. But it has been reported that parents are in for an even costlier consequence – they could see themselves downsized quite disproportionately.
Public Humiliation and Execution Secretary Charles I of England predicts “an amusing next couple of months amid very dark times.”
But the entertainment side is still conditional on parents’ sole actions commencing on a voluntary basis.
Read more nonsense: Ghost of Edward Colston holds banquet in Priti Patel’s honour
“As much as I want to entertain the masses, we’d still like to give the public, our parents, a clear choice.”
“A choice between world-beating-blood-splashing-head-rolling removal of the head or high risk of losing our future to the virus,” said Charles in a joint statement with Education Secretary Gammon Williamson.
“If you’re selfish enough you will send your kids back to school.”
“That’s what you get when you don’t want to send children back to school; khm, I mean sending them back to a lovely paradise of death,” he continued.
Williamson concluded: “If you’re selfish enough you will send your kids back to school. Or face the consequences. At the end of the day I still think that’s a no-brainer.”
Read more nonsense: 8 tips on how to get a smokin’ hot bod by Boris Johnson
Based on social media outcry it would appear that some grandparents welcome the news and see an opportunity to spend more time with their grandchildren.
“My daughter-in-law’s caused nothing but trouble. So she’s getting axed? She’s already lost her job, she’s used to it,” said one grandparent.
One parent showed frustration: “I just want my child to safely return to school. And if they can’t provide a sense of security, what am I to do? Now I fear losing my head over this! It’s crazy! It’s a headless approach!”
Another said: “Me and my wife have only just grown a pair and now we’re gonna lose it?”
Shipped heads will contain Lego-like assembly instructions
If pupils decide to get their parents back they will be able to attach the head to the body anytime they please as the head will be shipped back to children 2nd class, or 1st class if they pay extra £3.99.
Lego-like assembly instructions on how to attach a parent back together will also be included.
Read more nonsense: U-turns to be included in the next Tory manifesto
It is currently uncertain if children will be able to make brains work due to the lack of functionality of the nerve system after decapitation.
“We’re pretty sure brains are dead after removal, but who are we to invalidate any scientific claims?” said someone close to No. 10.
____
Public decapitations will take place at every local town square. You can find your local TV listings online.
BBC acquired TV rights in association with MailOnline which partnered up with Buzzfeed, an award-winning news outlet that will cover the events online (relevant quizzes and tests are already in the works). 
