16 C
London
Tuesday, May 17, 2022

8 tips on how to get a smokin’ hot bod by Boris Johnson

There’s still enough time to lose some weight this summer. But forget sweating while working out; you could get a stunning hot bod if you follow Boris Johnson’s tips without making the big stretch.

If watching horror movies makes you lose as much as 115 calories, becoming prime minister melts off about 2kg (4.5lb).

The following advice has been shared exclusively with Fred Bloggs. It will come in handy for all those who want to reduce belly fat. It is not for everyone, so consult with your GP before trying this out.

Ok, so let’s dive in…

1. BECOME PRIME MINISTER (15,265 calories)

This is a big one in terms of calorie loss, but there’s nothing much to add except: you’ve gotta love that first-past-the-post! It is gonna happen. Guaranteed!

2. HAVE AN AFFAIR (688 calories/affair)

Every affair usually makes people worse off, but remember: you are trying to lose some weight so you will need to make a sacrifice here for the team – YOU.

3. POSE FOR THE PRESS THEN DITCH THE BIKE (9 calories/mo)

This one obviously isn’t a big loser, but it does make beautiful photos such as this one:

Photograph: Shutterstock/Martin Hoscik

4. IGNORE EMAILS SENT BY THE EUROPEAN UNION (1,788 calories/email)

Especially if they’re offering something that could benefit the British people. If it’s beneficial, you lose 2,000 additional calories.

5. MAKE UP AT LEAST ONE NEW MEANINGFUL SLOGAN (655 calories/slogan)

The more inconsistent, the better. Maybe something like: ”Deal. With. It.”

6. HAVE “A RUN” WITH A DOG BY STROLLING THROUGH PARK (1 calorie/big stretch)

Boris Johnson strolling thru the park
Photograph: No10 Downing Street

7. FIND AT LEAST 50 BILLIONAIRE FRIENDS AND HAND THEM EACH A SEAT IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS

And for every additional brother made, one will get you to lose 850 calories. If you’ve got a sister, that’s gonna be around 300. Who said things are fair?

Side effects include: leaping with joy, salivating.

8. Advise your country to eat less and exercise, then give everyone food vouchers, lower the VAT and dine out in McDonald’s where prices have been slashed by 50%

Boris is living proof it works.

Subscribe to our super-duper newsletter

You surely want to be updated with all the latest spoof news and special announcements. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

This is a weekly newletter, every Friday. Unsubscribe anytime.

>> Enjoy Our Editorial Cartoons >>

Latest Nonsense

Dominick Cummings had it coming.

#CoronaToiletPaper to the rescue. Need a Commercial or Non-Commercial license? Click HERE.  

Ghost of Edward Colston holds banquet in Priti Patel’s honour

Pretty Pathetic has been invited to a  “thank you” banquet feast hosted by the ghost of Edward Colston, whose statue was toppled down in Bristol in the midst of a protest that she called “utterly disgraceful”.

NHS staff will go out for a round of applause for Boris Johnson, Johnson confirms

A nation-wide initiative that showed the public's appreciation for the front-line workers will now end with a new NHS-only awareness-raising applause congratulating Boris Johnson and his cabinet ministers for a job well done.