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Tuesday, July 5, 2022

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Politics

LIVE: Parents face public decapitation if they refuse to send children back to school

Parents who fail to send their children back to school worrying about coronavirus infection face hefty fines. But it has been reported that parents are in for an even costlier consequence – they could see themselves downsized quite disproportionately.

U-turns to be included in the next Tory manifesto

The next Conservative manifesto will also restore public trust, boost affordable housing, reinstate Public Health England, bring people back from the dead (Thatcher) and James Cleverly's and Priti Patel's favourite: make Ben and Jerry's ice cream less expensive.

Ghost of Edward Colston holds banquet in Priti Patel’s honour

Pretty Pathetic has been invited to a  “thank you” banquet feast hosted by the ghost of Edward Colston, whose statue was toppled down in Bristol in the midst of a protest that she called “utterly disgraceful”.

SOLUTION: The homeless could buy themselves houses, Luke Hall suggests

After suggesting that rough sleepers could move in with their family or friends, Luke Hall, homelessness minister, admits that that was perhaps a little too rational on his part.

Johnson takes back control from PM Cummings

A major overhaul in the cabinet will change the entire approach to the pandemic, run by two centrally-run committees, the Telegraph reports. The committees will cover both strategic fuck-ups and operational denial.

NHS staff will go out for a round of applause for Boris Johnson, Johnson confirms

A nation-wide initiative that showed the public's appreciation for the front-line workers will now end with a new NHS-only awareness-raising applause congratulating Boris Johnson and his cabinet ministers for a job well done.

Latest Nonsense

NHS staff will go out for a round of applause for Boris Johnson, Johnson confirms

A nation-wide initiative that showed the public's appreciation for the front-line workers will now end with a new NHS-only awareness-raising applause congratulating Boris Johnson and his cabinet ministers for a job well done.

The Process of Ending the Lockdown

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McDonald’s launches new specialty – low-calorie apples

“Low-calorie apples are just the start,” McDonald's confirmed. The British variety will enter the market after the Brexit transition and will be “a semi-healthy option”, in which 'semi' means “incredibly healthy” in American English.

8 tips on how to get a smokin’ hot bod by Boris Johnson

There's still enough time to lose some weight this summer. But forget sweating while working out; you could get a stunning hot bod if you follow Boris Johnson's tips without making the big stretch.

U-turns to be included in the next Tory manifesto

The next Conservative manifesto will also restore public trust, boost affordable housing, reinstate Public Health England, bring people back from the dead (Thatcher) and James Cleverly's and Priti Patel's favourite: make Ben and Jerry's ice cream less expensive.