2.3 C
London
Friday, January 28, 2022

Ghost of Edward Colston holds banquet in Priti Patel’s honour

Pretty Pathetic has been invited to a  “thank you” banquet feast hosted by the ghost of Edward Colston, whose statue was toppled down in Bristol in the midst of a protest that she called “utterly disgraceful”.

“As the daughter of a migrant, I know the sanctuary, welcome and opportunities that Britain provides. We should be proud of Mr Colston’s legacy and embrace peace and tolerance. His entire life embodied a noble act of human decency. He built this country from the ground up. Tearing down his statue is a despicable atrocity,” Ms Pathetic said.

“I can only hope he doesn’t push me into a corner with a shovel in my hand.”

Continuing: “He didn’t have to go to all this trouble inviting me to a banquet. But he did and that tells me something.”

At that point, the Home Secretary admitted her excitement to meeting her Tory idol but was worried that he might not recognize her at the point of entry:

“I can only hope he doesn’t push me into a corner with a shovel in my hand. I need to explain to him that I’m not like the rest of them. I only dig deep by using my big pink 12-inch toenail.”

The exorcistic encounter only lasted for a minute

Mr Colston could only be reached for comment after we’d initiated exorcism on Ms Pathetic.

During the encounter he confirmed that he’ll make one appearance in “Ms Pathetic’s honour only” for defending him when he was defenceless.

He said “he’s so proud of her” but that they’ll need to discuss her recent anti-free-trade position that contradicted his, since the UK will only welcome ”the best and the brightest” after the Brexit transition period.

“He was mostly known for his philantrophy, trading proficiency and racism.”

After the dinner he will try his best to go rot in hell. The exorcistic encounter only lasted for a minute so we couldn’t obtain any information on whether he intends to take Ms Pathetic with him or not.

Colston’s legacy is unimaginable. He was mostly known for his philantrophy, trading proficiency and racism. He died peacefully in Argentina to where he escaped after his alleged, khm, staged death in 16-something in Bristol. Centuries later he made friends with a fellow notable racist, Adolf Hitler. He was kind of a dick too.

Subscribe to our super-duper newsletter

You surely want to be updated with all the latest spoof news and special announcements. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?

This is a weekly newletter, every Friday. Unsubscribe anytime.

>> Enjoy Our Editorial Cartoons >>

Latest Nonsense

Ghost of Edward Colston holds banquet in Priti Patel’s honour

Pretty Pathetic has been invited to a  “thank you” banquet feast hosted by the ghost of Edward Colston, whose statue was toppled down in Bristol in the midst of a protest that she called “utterly disgraceful”.

NHS staff will go out for a round of applause for Boris Johnson, Johnson confirms

A nation-wide initiative that showed the public's appreciation for the front-line workers will now end with a new NHS-only awareness-raising applause congratulating Boris Johnson and his cabinet ministers for a job well done.

Police brutality reaches new highs & low hopes

Police brutality in the United Shtates of America looks far worse than this.

Dominick Cummings had it coming.

#CoronaToiletPaper to the rescue. Need a Commercial or Non-Commercial license? Click HERE.