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Friday, January 28, 2022

U-turns to be included in the next Tory manifesto

Amid the latest U-turn on the A-level crisis, the Conservative Party announced it will include many more U-turns in their next manifesto for the 2024 General Election.

“We thought long and hard about it and decided that we’d like to fuck things up first and then come back with a solution that was in front of us the entire fucking time,” one Conservative MP commented on the strategy.

He continued: “In the Conservative Party, we like to remind the powerless scum that we’ve got their back. We also like to be praised for our fuck-ups and be seen as the Great Saviour.”

The next Conservative manifesto will restore public trust

The Conservative Party will also create generic press releases for all the U-turns in order to help the cabinet with enormous work overflow.

All press releases will open with: “We are sorry for the distress this has caused (ADD RELEVANT GROUP OF PEOPLE) and (ADD MORE GROUPS OF PEOPLE – THE BIGGEST LOSERS). We will do everything in our power to backtrack on this U-turn as soon as possible.”

The next Conservative manifesto will also restore public trust, fund the police, pour £350 million into the NHS every week, boost affordable housing, reinstate Public Health England, bring people back from the dead (Thatcher) and James Cleverly’s and Priti Patel’s favourite: make Ben and Jerry’s ice cream less expensive (and 10 per cent less ‘junk foody’).

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